A few days ago, I was pleasantly surprised with several different facebook messages from friends that all happened to write me over the same couple of days. Hearing from friends back home really means more than I can say, and I am so grateful for any small communication I receive.
Last week, for the first time, someone asked me if I felt alone here. I had to answer honestly that there are many times when I do. It seems like such a strange contradiction, because I have met more new friends than I can even keep up with and I'm surrounded by continual masses of people that fill the busy city streets. Yet there are times when I feel profoundly and deeply alone--or isolated might be the better word.
I am so much more self-conscious about being an American than I ever expected. I sit alone in my classes, surrounded by other 4th year students who already know each other and don't often care to speak to an international student. They all stare at me when I speak in class the minute they hear my American accent. I am so accustomed to being a vocal participant and it feels so strange to suddenly be so shy.
Perhaps the thing that makes me feel more isolated than anything is really quite silly: fashion. Unlike America, where students commonly go to class in sweatpants and t-shirts, people here (particularly girls) really dress up to go to class. I'm talking high heels, fancy handbags, dresses, intense amounts of makeup, etc. Not only that, but the common, everyday style here is unlike anything I could have possibly imagined. Girls almost never wear pants....tights or leggings with a slightly long shirt is the most common look. Tennis shoes are unthinkable, and wearing sweatpants (or anything remotely comfortable) outside of a gym would be almost criminal. The style in general is so strange and overdone that if I wanted to try and "blend in" with the crowd, I just couldn't do it without buying an entirely new wardrobe and sacrificing every shred of my concept of "normal" clothing.
So when I go out in a simple long sleeve shirt and average fitting jeans, people stare at me like I'm an underdressed slob who didn't get the memo to look normal. Some days I try to fit in and wear something more British, and then I feel like a terrible impostor who can't even be true to myself.
....Okay, after taking a break for a couple hours, I just read over what I've written thus far I get the same feeling that I've had a lot over the past couple of weeks: disgust at my own self-absorption. I'm really tired of wallowing in shallowness. I'm tired of my own vanity and caring about how people perceive me. I am praying that I will have the courage to be different, to be at peace with my own uniqueness and with the ways I don't fit into this culture. I want to spend my mental energy on greater things than my own fear of appearing out of place. I don't want to chase after a temporary reputation of "normalcy"when it's so entirely false and fleeting.
My deepest desire is to live a life of substance and truth, a life that glorifies God and serves others.....oh, how I pray that this longing would burn brighter in me than my craving for acceptance! I am falling so short of that right now....but I keep falling into grace upon grace, and for that I am going to sleep grateful.
Last week, for the first time, someone asked me if I felt alone here. I had to answer honestly that there are many times when I do. It seems like such a strange contradiction, because I have met more new friends than I can even keep up with and I'm surrounded by continual masses of people that fill the busy city streets. Yet there are times when I feel profoundly and deeply alone--or isolated might be the better word.
I am so much more self-conscious about being an American than I ever expected. I sit alone in my classes, surrounded by other 4th year students who already know each other and don't often care to speak to an international student. They all stare at me when I speak in class the minute they hear my American accent. I am so accustomed to being a vocal participant and it feels so strange to suddenly be so shy.
Perhaps the thing that makes me feel more isolated than anything is really quite silly: fashion. Unlike America, where students commonly go to class in sweatpants and t-shirts, people here (particularly girls) really dress up to go to class. I'm talking high heels, fancy handbags, dresses, intense amounts of makeup, etc. Not only that, but the common, everyday style here is unlike anything I could have possibly imagined. Girls almost never wear pants....tights or leggings with a slightly long shirt is the most common look. Tennis shoes are unthinkable, and wearing sweatpants (or anything remotely comfortable) outside of a gym would be almost criminal. The style in general is so strange and overdone that if I wanted to try and "blend in" with the crowd, I just couldn't do it without buying an entirely new wardrobe and sacrificing every shred of my concept of "normal" clothing.
So when I go out in a simple long sleeve shirt and average fitting jeans, people stare at me like I'm an underdressed slob who didn't get the memo to look normal. Some days I try to fit in and wear something more British, and then I feel like a terrible impostor who can't even be true to myself.
....Okay, after taking a break for a couple hours, I just read over what I've written thus far I get the same feeling that I've had a lot over the past couple of weeks: disgust at my own self-absorption. I'm really tired of wallowing in shallowness. I'm tired of my own vanity and caring about how people perceive me. I am praying that I will have the courage to be different, to be at peace with my own uniqueness and with the ways I don't fit into this culture. I want to spend my mental energy on greater things than my own fear of appearing out of place. I don't want to chase after a temporary reputation of "normalcy"when it's so entirely false and fleeting.
My deepest desire is to live a life of substance and truth, a life that glorifies God and serves others.....oh, how I pray that this longing would burn brighter in me than my craving for acceptance! I am falling so short of that right now....but I keep falling into grace upon grace, and for that I am going to sleep grateful.
October 14, 2009 at 6:42 PM
I think your American accent is hawt. I am praying for you as you live out this adventure and I am looking forward to you coming home to the next one. MUCH love to you, friend.
IN fact, here-
Dear Father God,
I lift up my friend Kristi to you. I pray that you will help her to be different, not because she talks funny or because she dresses differently, but because your life is in her. I pray that you will give her true fellowship. Please remind her of how precious she is to you. AMEN.
October 17, 2009 at 5:28 PM
it'll be okay kristi. you just have to know that you are who you are, and that there isn't a darn thing wrong with that! isolation is not fun. i know how that feels...we are all pretty alone in our heads. but you just know that (as my favorite sarah stout said to me once,) "God is growing you!" :) god bless...you're in my prayers.