live. move. be.

I finally have internet, and so I'm going to post this, which is what I wrote on my first night in Glasgow. I should note that things are much better now, a few days later, but this is my honest first impression:
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I don't know quite how to begin this except to say that I have a lot to say. Well, first off, I am in Glasgow, at my university, semi-moved into my dorm room. The good news is that I am safe and all my luggage made it here safely.

Today has been rough, though (I am writing on Saturday night, but since I don't have Internet yet i know it will be posted later). It's been a day of so many tears --mostly tears I didn't even expect.. I cried after I said goodbye to Joanna at 7:30 at the Prague airport. I cried from exhaustion after lugging my many bags through the airport, all over the Strathclyde campus, and up several flights of stairs to my room. But most of my tears have been of a different kind....perhaps its the cumulative effect of leaving friends and not knowing my way around the city/school, but right now, I feel absurdly and deeply sad. I know I should be happy and excited for a new place and a new adventure, but I just feel lonely and isolated. I know I stand out like a sore thumb and it makes me more self-conscious than I have been in a long, long time. I feel oddly homesick, and I've never been homesick....I struggled to keep my voice from breaking as I called my parents to let them know I was safe. There is a new sense of aloneness that I have not felt before, and I am praying to push through it quickly.

After discovering that my room and kitchen were completely empty (no sheets to sleep on, nothing to cook/eat with, etc.) I wondered around the city for two hours looking for supermarkets and cheap stores to find enough supplies to get through the next couple of days, then trudged back to campus laden with many bags. I felt stupid in so many stores as I had trouble communicating with some of the Scottish employees. I was continually repeating to myself, “We are speaking the same language.” In a way, that sense of sameness makes it all the more frustrating. I was in a store asking an employee for dish soap, and he made me repeat it three times before he finally said he couldn't understand what I was talking about. Then I resorted to hand motions as I described it, filled with embarrassment I felt myself looking like a condescending American jerk. He finally said, “Oh, you mean washing-up liquid? We don't carry that.” (sure enough, it is actually labeled as "Washing-Up Liquid")

It's mostly freshmen who live on campus, so there are all these kids who look to be my youngest brother's age walking around being big shots with alcohol and cigarettes in their hands, being loud and crazy outside my window. I knew I was in a different culture the minute my bus pulled up and there, surrounding the residence check-in, were tables filled with students drinking pints of beer. Upon arrival, we were all encouraged to pretty much stay roaring drunk for the rest of the week—not by just anyone, mind you, but primarily by what seems to be the student government. There are university guides in our dorm rooms that extol the virtues of the student union as the best place to have great nights you'll never remember. As college experience goes, this atmosphere is certainly a new one for me, to say the least.

I hope that soon all this will seem like a funny “first day in Glasgow story.” Right now the whole day feels so heavy on my heart. I keep having to remind myself that my first day in Prague last year felt really overwhelming, too, and now I would give my right arm to instantly be back there. Things will get so much better, I truly believe they will.

Here's some bright points:
1)I am in Scotland and I am grateful to be here, much as I sound frustrated and whiny.

2)I am living with five other people in our suite style dorm (they call it a flat so I suppose I should begin calling it that too). I have yet to meet a couple of them, but the two I have met are just great. They are both from China and extremely enthusiastic about everything, especially the fact that I am an American. They have been so sweet to me tonight. They offered me some of their dinner, which was rice with stirfried eggs, mushrooms, and some sort of asian greens. They promised to teach me some Chinese recipies and showed me the asian market on my map. I am really excited to hopefully learn more about their culture this semester.

3)Just as I considered hiding in my room and never coming out, I decided to go into our little living room to type this and turned on the TV. We only get five channels, but lo and behold, one of them just happened to be playing Lord of the Rings. This might seem like a small thing, but that movie means a great deal to me and is the source of so many meaningful memories with my friends. The seemingly trivial of activity of watching this movie is reminding me that the world has not changed simply because I feel so small and strange in it right now. My friends and family are the same, God is the same, and I am loved just as much as I was the day before. This movie is a small grace that is bringing me great joy on a rough night.